And so I found it.

Resign myself as I would to the bitter reality, the ghost of the might-have-been haunted me night and day, so that I spent my leisure wandering abstractedly about the streets, always trying to banish thought and never for an instant succeeding.

A great unrest was upon me; and when I received a letter from Dick Barnard announcing his arrival at Madeira, homeward bound, I breathed a sigh of relief.

I had no plans for the future, but I longed to be rid of the, now irksome, routine of the practice--to be free to come and go when and how I pleased.
One evening, as I sat consuming with little appetite my solitary supper, there fell on me a sudden sense of loneliness.

The desire that I had hitherto felt to be alone with my own miserable reflections gave place to a yearning for human companionship.