I distrusted my courage.

Had I not better retreat, while it was yet time?
But there was shame and even difficulty in the thought.

How should I appear before my father?
Was it not important--had I not deliberately undertaken it--and was I not bound in conscience?
Perhaps he had already taken steps in the matter which committed _him_.

Besides, was I sure that, even were I free again, I would not once more devote myself to the trial, be it what it might?
You perceive I had more spirit than courage.

I think I had the mental attributes of courage; but then I was but a hysterical girl, and in so far neither more nor less than a coward.
No wonder I distrusted myself; no wonder also my will stood out against my timidity.