For I greatly dreaded this oath of life-long fidelity which I should be forced to swear if I chose any other path.
Thus I thought on in pitiable confusion of mind, not knowing that all these matters were beyond my ordering, since a path was already made ready to my feet, which I must follow or die.

And let this be a proof of the honesty of my words, since, had I been desirous of glozing the truth, I need have written nothing of these struggles of conscience, and of my own weakness.

For soon it was to come to this, though not by her will, that I must either wed Otomie or die at once, and few would blame me for doing the first and not the last.

Indeed, though I did wed her, I might still have declared myself to my affianced and to all the world as a slave of events from which there was no escape.

But it is not all the truth, since my mind was divided, and had it not been settled for me, I cannot say how the struggle would have ended.
Now, looking back on the distant past, and weighing my actions and character as a judge might do, I can see, however, that had I found time to consider, there was another matter which would surely have turned the scale in favour of Otomie.