It was the most horrible shock.

I don't want to put it melodramatically but that was exactly what it was.

I had been thinking of him, thinking even of speaking to him, but I had known at the time that he wasn't here, that he couldn't be here--then there he was in the doorway--square and solid and grave and scornful.

Now the horrible thing is that the moment I realised him I felt afraid.

I didn't feel anger or hatred or fine desires for revenge--anything like that--simply a miserable contemptible fear.