I might even die, which would be best of all.

I did not wish to kill myself because I felt that to be a coward's death, and in such a way I thought that I would only separate myself from her.

But in the war, perhaps, I might meet death in such a way as to show him that I despised him both for myself and her.

By suicide I would be paying him reverence....

Some such thought also had Andrey Vassilievitch.